


don’t listen to what you’ve consumed

by inkspillz



Series: Whenipe Universe [3]
Category: Original Work, Whenipe
Genre: Angst, Eventual Comfort, Heavy Angst, Other, rating for subject matter, read end notes for tws
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-15 20:21:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29564643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inkspillz/pseuds/inkspillz
Summary: Kazana Everleigh is spiralling.
Relationships: Kazana Everleigh/Winston Abaret
Series: Whenipe Universe [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2028673





	don’t listen to what you’ve consumed

**Author's Note:**

> please see end notes for tws, it’s a really heavy subject matter  
> title from achilles come down

Kazana Everleigh is spiralling.

They slip out of bed, Winston asleep tangled in their body, he stirs but doesn’t wake. They make their way to their desk, scribbling a small note to him.

_I’m_ _falling once more, but this time I get to tell you that I love you._

Their hands shake as they write, they don’t deserve Winston. They don’t deserve this happiness. They don’t deserve this life. 

Kazana pulls on a cloak and dark pants with some boots, clothes that allow them to blend in. They don’t deserve to stand out. So they run away, grabbing a chain to put their engagement ring on and their sword before teleporting to a town on the outskirts of Leigh.

They find an inn quickly, it’s early in the morning, around one am, so they slide the tired receptionist the coins to pay for a week with a room and head to the bar with a key in their pocket.

The bar hosts many travellers with various accents, Kazana orders two shots of whiskey and downs them in seconds before heading to their room, ignoring anyone who tries to interact with them.

They grab a journal from their house, it’s too risky to go there, but they can use materials from it. They write down plans and ideas, they won’t abandon their kingdom they may not deserve it, however they care for their citizens. The writing is sloppier than normal and not as official when they drop it through the portal to Amber’s desk. It doesn’t mention their whereabouts or refrence anything personal, it’s just buisness.

Kazana sits down on the bed, worn from the constant use of those who cross through this town. It’s strange having a bed to themselves and they find themseleves thinking of Winston. Of how his orange eyes will grow in size when he wakes up and finds their note. They shove the thoughts out of the way, nails pressing into their palms hard enough to draw blood.

The castle calls back to them, they want to go to their friends, their lover, people they’ve learned to call their family. It’s selfish. They mess up again and again and they all still care for him. They deserve better lives, deserve to know better people than Kitsken’s whore.

Bile rises in their neck as their thoughts grow darker and they get up, running to the bathroom and throwing up. The taste in their mouth is bitter and grimey, as they lay on the tile, unable to move.

Eventually they pass out, when they wake up again it’s mid day, but the taste remains in their mouth. They throw up once more, not much coming out as they hadn’t eaten since the last time. They’re dizzy sweaty and gross and they curl up into a ball against the wall, knees to their chest.

They’re terrified. Terrified of what the others are thinking, sure they either hate them or are glad to see them gone. They’re better off now. Kazana doesn’t return to the castle.

Kazana shakes that night, they got dinner downstairs but promptly threw it all up after returning to the room. Their body is weak and their mind dizzy, so they collapse from exhaustion onto the bed.

They wake up with scratches all over their body, obviously from their nails, and drenched in sweat. They take a shower, too tired to even stand. They portal bread into their hands and it nearly makes them pass out, they bite slowly at the bread and manage to keep some of it down this time, though they fall asleep with only a handful eaten. 

Their body, their emotions are numb, they buy a bottle of wine from the bar and drink it straight as they sit on their bed, dazed. A couple takes the room next to them and noises of their night flow in periodically Kazana is too out of it to care, the thought of Winston pops into their head and they take another drink. Their hands shake and they think of how Amber would care for them when they were sick. Drink. Their sword lays next to the bed and they think of Saph joking with them as they sparred. Drink. They think of Syvil and Serien and Mei and Rianix and Nexxus, drinking everytime a new thought pops in their head until eventually they run out of wine and are forced to wallow alone.

They wake up and barely make it to the toilet to throw up, knees collapsing as they get there. They’re dizzy and sick, but this is what they deserve. And that calms them enough to stop. Knowing they’re doing what’s right. That night they dream of flames, Levkei burning everything they love, a reminder of why they cant go back as they days become more lonely.

The sixth day they wake up and go to the bathroom, ignoring their reflection. They fall into bed as the door opens, the door they had been sure to lock. They’re faced away from it and can’t bring themselves to care, they’d leave or they’d rob them, in their state they couldn’t prevent either. 

Then they hear a familiar voice, they can’t tell who it’s from or what they’re saying but they know they recognise it. The door shuts and they hear the person enter. They just draw their knees closer. Fingers brush the top of their sweaty forehead and they squeeze their eyes shut.

“Have you eaten today?” Kazana’s mind is too tired to place the voice, much less lie, so they shake their head. The hand drops off their head and the person walks to the door, saying something to the person they had been talking to before. They don’t leave. They come back over and pick them up, their eyes finally open and in front of them is Winston.

They know they should feel something but they can’t they can only recognise and accept, “Wi-” They start, but he shakes his head and Kazana can sss tears slide down his cheeks.

He pushes their head back and talks to them softly, “Save your energy, I’ve got you.”

There’s a soft knock at the door and Winston sets Kazana sitting up against pillows. He answers the door and gets food, a low conversation exchanged at the door before it’s shutting again.

Winston holds a cup for them and has them drink water, small sips making them feel both better and worse simultaneously.

“It’s gonna get easier.” Winston assures them.

Kazana falls asleep in Winston’s arms.

Kazana’s eyes flutter open a few hours later, they’re still in Winston’s arms and all their emotions come flooding back at once. They feel tears and then they sob and then they start hyperventilating.

“Kazana. Breathe with me. In,” They both breathe in, “Out.” They repeat the process until Kazana can breathe normally. Winston grabs the bread from the side of the bed and tears it into a small bite before feeding it to them. He doesn’t give them much, probably trying to ensure they keep it down.

Tears are still falling from their face, “I’m sorry.” 

Winston shakes his head, “It’s alright. I’m just glad you’re safe.”

“I’m sorry.” They say again, they’re sorry that he can’t be mad. They’re sorry that he had to come out here to collect them. They’re sorry that they left again. All they can manage to say are those two words.

Tears well in his eyes and his voice is raw, “Kazana, please.”

Kazana sits up, wiping at his tears, “I’m sorry.”

Winston grabs them and hugs them, hard and steady, “I love you too.”

Winston sets them down and grabs a bag Kazana did realise they’d brought, he grabs them clean underwear and clothes from it and hands it to them, they take it and pull their clothes off immediately. Throwing the dirty clothes to the floor as they slip the light thigh length dress on.

Winston leans over and kisses the corners of their mouth, “I missed you.”

The words sting, the delicate vulnerability they can hear in his voice tear through their heart as if a knife. They fought back the urge to apologise, it’s not what Winston needed right now, “I missed you too.”

Winston smiles, though it nearly makes his sadness more evident, “Do you think you can eat a bit more?”

Kazana nods and they feed them about the same amount as before, though slightly more.

Then he just stands in front of the bed and strokes through their hair. At some point, they break into tears and when Kazana looks up to comfort him, he’s already turning and leaving the room.

They hurt him.

They hurt Winston. They’d talked so many times about the fear of one losing the other, and that’s exactly what Kazana had done. The realisation sinks in and they feel sick again, but they’re too busy ignoring their weak body and following Winston to care.

They watch him be let in to a room a couple doors down and make their way themselves, knocking on the door weakly.

They’re ignored but they can hear Saph attempting to comfort him. They knock again and Saph shouts a ‘busy!’ to them.

“Winston. I need Winston.” Their voice shakes but it’s loud enough they know they can hear them.

Winston opens the door, his eyes puffy and cheeks tear stained.

Kazana’s body gives out and dispite the circumstances, Winston doesn’t hesitate to catch them. They nearly wish he’d let them fall, pathetic and begging. “I broke the promise. I broke our promise and I’m sorry. I thought what I was doing was better for you. That I was helping you, but all I did was hurt you.” 

Saph moves to the door, “I’ll be at the bar.” she tells them before shutting them in.

“I failed you, you shouldn’t have- have even thought about it. But you’re in my arms after leaving me _because I couldn’t convince you to stay_.” He replies, genuine and Kazana wants to kiss him until he cant remember what words are, but that’s not the kind of comfort he needs right now.

“No, darling. My darling.” Winston picks them up and sets them on a couch, head on the arm rest. Kazana processes Saph got two beds and a larger room, they push away the thought behind why. Kazana grabs their wrist, pulling them in with the strength they can manage, “Stay. Please.” Winston sits down, placing Kazana’s calves on their thighs, but avoiding eye contact. “Thank you.”

They sit in silence, they don’t know what to do. They don’t know how to comfort him. They’re afraid they ruined everything, everything between them. They’d wanted to be with him the rest of their life, but now, now they didn’t know if that would happen. They didn’t know what Winston’s plans were, if he broke up with them he may move and never want to see them again. They felt the tears fall, they crossed their arms and held themselves close and they worried. Their mind felt like it was going to go numb once more in an effort to stop it they portal in one of their old diaries, one from right after Winston had been separated from them. They feel it land on their leg and then pass out.

When they wake, their hair is braided back and they’ve been moved to a bed. Someone holds them. Winston holds them, legs intertwined and arms around them protectively. They rub their eyes and notice a note next to them, they pick it up and hold a small amount of magic up, reading the words to themselves.

_Kazana,_

_I’m not as good with words as you are. We made a promise, one we’ve both broken hundreds of times. Leaving your side to greet others, leaving your side to fight, things that happen because we are our own people. We’re both broken people, but it’s together that we work the best. Having someone who knows what we need when we don’t know for ourselves simply makes sure we never shatter. My love, I’ll never give up on you. We were both terrified and couldn’t think rationally, overthinking lead to words neither of us processed or thought through. If you’ll have me I would like to be yours forever, I can’t promise anything else, but I do know that I will always love you, no matter where you are or how much time has passed._

_Yrs,_

_Winston_

_Wake me when you read this, I’m worried about you._

Kazana drops their magic and turns around, they notice the empty bed with their sword and other belongings and assume Saph got another room.

They put their hand on Winston’s face, rubbing at his cheek, “Darling, wake up.” The gentle coax is all it takes for him to open his eyes.

It takes a few seconds for him to process before his arm swings around them and tackles them against the bed, “Kazana!” He kisses their face, “I’m sorry, I hadn’t slept and I was so scared. I love you.” 

Kazana couldn’t help it, they started laughing, “I love you so much. Winston Abaret, my darling.” They kiss him, he kisses back, and they’re both smiling, laughing. “I want to marry you.” The words slipped out of Kazana’s mouth and Winston pulled back, mouth gaping. 

Winston opens his mouth to reply, then shuts it. He looks speechless before tears well up and he nods, pulling into Kazana’s chest, “We’re already engaged, idiot.” He laughs sobbing.

“We said after you took the throne.” Kazana grabs their hands, “We don’t know when that’s going to be, I want to marry you soon, not dependant on something we don’t know.” 

His voice breaks, but Kazana hears him smiling through it, “Yes. Yes, fuck I want that too.”

Kazana’s hands brush through Winston’s hair, they want to say so many things, but they have no idea where to start. 

**Author's Note:**

> tws for self destructive habits , using alcohol as a coping mechanism , throwing up / etemo , self harm (fingernails into skin) , depression and anxiety spirals , dissociation , self hatred


End file.
